On A (Very) Personal Note:

When I first started Call Me Crazy I never would have thought that I would post something so personal. I've grown a lot over the past three years: I am slowly learning to accept myself and trust that not everyone is like the kids from high school. I feel like I owe my faithful reader's an explanation to my excessive absences over the past year or so. This post is pretty scattered, especially since my mind is racing quite a bit lately.

A big part of why I love reading so much is because I can escape my head, which is usually unpleasantly full. About a year and a half ago I started having trouble concentrating while reading, which definitely impacted my posts on this blog (not to mention my homework as well). No books being read equals no reviews, which isn't the greatest thing for a 'book reviewing blog' to lack.

My issues with concentration and memory troubles are due to the numerous medications I have been on since age twelve. I know I've mentioned so many times before, but I was bullied badly throughout school, since around age six and it's had a huge impact on my life. Junior high was a big turning point since that's when I really learned just how cruel people could be.

 I started seeing a therapist the beginning of eighth grade and soon after started taking medication to help with the imbalanced chemicals in my brain. For quite some time I was told that it was probably puberty messing with my serotonin /dopamine/or whatever levels and that hopefully I'll get better soon. Unfortunately that wasn't the case and things got worse.

My sophomore year was the first time I went into an outpatient program to help with depression and anxiety. Not to get into too much detail, but it wasn't a good place and my high school was less than helpful when it came to my illness. Anyways my time in the hospital got out, thanks to big-mouth-teachers and one of the friends a decided to tell slipping my secret out. Apparently nothing better was going on so they decided to attack me because of this. The school did nothing to help, my entire junior year I earned two credits (the average is around sixteen I believe) because the school didn't want to 'overwork me' and have me 'collapse'. I left after my junior year and was home schooled for my senior year.

For a while I was getting better, being away from that toxic place was giving me hope that I'd be able to be 'normal'. Unfortunately this darkness didn't leave me, if anything it expanded. My troubles from school left me terrified of people and afraid to take a class on campus. I rarely leave the house and am struggling to not fall completely into this giant depressive pit again.This past Fall was my second time in treatment and once again it went less than great. I relapsed into an old bad habit and am still trying to get my mind clear of my old ways.

I kept a journal while I was in treatment, the doctors said it would be good to look back on so they could better monitor my moods while my medications and treatments changed. I wrote some about the books I had been slowly reading and was afraid to mention my opinions/ feelings on my blog because I didn't want to offend anyone or turn anyone off because my opinions were greatly based on the place I was/am in life.

I was in a very dark place then, I'm trying so hard to come out of this. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with almost being twenty and still feeling like I'm twelve. I'm trying to take my time in treatment as not a setback, but as a learning experience. I don't want to have to turn away from my blog because I have this irrational fear that people will think that I'm asking for attention or react the same way as the children in high school did.

I don't want my confession to be mistaken as asking for pity. I just wanted it to be clear as to why I've been gone. I absolutely hate talking about this, but I think part of the reason I've been away for so long is because I feel like I have to hide this part of myself away. I want this blog to be my safe place and  some place where I don't have to hide my feelings. I've been thinking about posting this for almost a year, but I know this is very much unexpected. It's just such a big part of my life that I feel like leaving it out from the context of this blog is leaving out a huge, crucial puzzle piece. I'm just hoping this will be a good thing.


Thank you so, so much for your continued support. It means the world to me,





P.S.
Thank you so much for all of the lovely emails and tweets I've been getting for quite some time. I read and appreciate every one, thank you so, so much.

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I'll have up 'Top Tens' and other book-ish posts to go with the end of the years since I still was able to read quite a few absolutely amazing books this year. Don't worry, not all my future posts will be this dark, I'll still be the same Katie, just hopefully better.





*Click photos to see source*

16 comments

  1. Oh honey I'm so sorry. People can be so very cruel and I'm so sorry that it has hurt you. I hope things get better.

    You know what's a good thing to remember? People pick on people because they too are scared and unsure.

    Hang tough. You're a fabulous smart gal.

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  2. I'm so sad that people can be so cruel only because we aren't like them. You are a wonderful person Katie, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm so thankful to have meet. I'm glad you post it this, so people can see the impact bulling has in people. I've faith in you Katie! You are awesome! I'm so sorry people in you high school couldn't see that but it is their lost. Just know there is people out there thinking of you :) Kisses and hugs

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  3. So sorry that you are and have been dealing with this. Life sucks sometimes, as does dealing with depression.
    This has been a struggle for me too.. I wish that I could hug you right now.

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  4. Bless! I really feel for you! I've had a lot of problems with depression myself and I've hidden in my house for months at a time on occasion. Realy help that what you're trying now will help you :)

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  5. When I was younger, my boss closed up shop and moved away without saying anything. I went to pick up my paycheck and the place was empty. Having two small boys and bills due, I freaked out, called my dad, and asked, "Are all people assholes?"

    He replied, "yes, get used to it."

    Now, I know that sounds like an extremely harsh answer, but Dad is a farmer who grew up when times were tougher than we have ever seen.

    Anyway, I learned more from that five word answer than I had ever learned before (or since).

    You have to live for YOU. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, does, or says. YOU are the most important person in your life. Do what you need to do for YOU and live like no one else matters.

    *hugs*

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  6. Wow I didn't know about that and was thinking 'where is this lovely, funny and crazy-in-a-good way girl whom posts I love so much?'
    You can definitely consider this blog as your safe place. I mean from what I've read, you're followers are always supportive. You're not alone in this. I'm not really sure what to say. I can't even imagine how hard it is for you, but think there will always be people that love you around you, who you can count on, and that's what really counts! (two count in the same sentence, yay!).

    I wish you all the best from France:)

    Ingrid.

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  7. Oh my goodness that sounds AWFUL. I was also bullied and was fairly depressed in Jr. High and early high school but fortunately I was able to meet some really good friends and build up a support system to help me through. It was a really dark time in my life. Without good friends and a supportive family I don't think I would have faired as well as I did.

    I love you and your blog Katie and I hope that you can continue to gain confidence and get well! I miss your wonderful posts and your vlogs which always put a smile on my face. You are such a wonderful and beautiful person.

    I will be praying for you girl! <3

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  8. Posting this was an incredibly brave thing to do.
    I am so so sorry that you've had to go through all of this and that people have been so cruel to you. And I really hope that things get better!
    *hugs*
    Positive thoughts and prayers your way :)

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  9. Hey Katie,
    When I first really got into reading a few years ago, I stumbled onto your book haul videos, and followed them to your blog. Your reviews have been awesome for me to read, and your sheer enthusiasm has made my enjoyment of reading even greater. Even though we don't know each other, I've got your back.

    Ryan

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  10. Oh, Katie, I'm so sorry. I had no idea - you were always the picture of vibrance and happiness in your vlogs! People suck sometimes. Especially younger people (although... not everyone matures - some people are always going to be jerks). Junior high and high school really sucked for me, too, because of bullying. People really have no idea how much they can hurt someone with just a few words - no idea how their life can be affected and ruined. I can still remember with absolute clarity everything that was ever said to me or about me in those times and the supreme unhappiness that I had to live with for years. And now here I am at 24 years old and I am STILL struggling with it. It's a tough thing to get over, it's kind of an ongoing thing that I need to work on every single day. It DOES get better though. Oh sure, you'll always have to deal with people being dickish to you for no reason, even as an adult. I, myself, am a very sensitive person and take people's attitudes towards me to heart. But you start to learn that their opinion is not valid, not a reflection of who you are. Seriously, FUCK them or anyone else who's mean to you! (Sorry for the language!). They are so insignificant and stupid and what they say doesn't matter. The way you feel about yourself and how your loved ones feel is what's really important. Like I say, it isn't easy developing this attitude and it may be something you have to work on for a long while yet. But you are worth it and you can do it. You are such a fun, beautiful person, Katie! Thank you for having the bravery to share this. If you ever just need someone to talk to, I am always here!

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  11. I am exactly the same way - dont think that u are alone! Reading has been one of the best ways to escape everything, and I feel the richer for it :)

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  12. Hi Katie,

    I've really missed reading your blog posts, and was surprised to read this because you always seemed so bubbly and sweet in your vlogs and posts, but I appreciate that you can write about both "sides" of you in such an honest and really poignant way. I was also bullied and had my feelings hurt constantly in jr high/high school, and honestly I really do think it was mainly just because of a scar on my face and maybe my natural shyness. It's terrible how people, and particularly young people, will ostracize and pick on whoever is even a little different than them-- I hate this about people, but the good news is not all people are like this. I withdrew into books sometimes and went through some hard periods where I never wanted to trust a stranger my own age for fear of how they might judge me (I still do this, to an extent) and really just wanted to be left alone.

    Anyway, I'm sending tons of positive vibes your way and can't wait to read some more of your posts, whenever you feel like posting. You are such an awesome blogger and person, and I totally wish I knew you in "real" life. Stay strong and thanks for your honesty and for just being you!

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  13. I just realized I never replied to all of your loving comments. A year later and I still look back on all of your kind words. Thank you all so much, it's means so incredibly much <3 <3

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